Long time no talk, not even going to get into the long list of reason why, if you follow me on social media you will probably already know, if not, it’s for the reason as simple as life-consuming me in both the typical way it consumes a twenty-something-year-old, and all the exasperating way it consumes someone with overwhelming mental illnesses. Trying to adult when you’re not normal – whatever that is, in the brain makes everything more exhausting than it needs to be. Furthermore, it isn’t simply the constraints of adult-life timetable that has deterred me from posting more, because i could have spared a few hours late at night, just as i am doing so now, to write the ideas i had for the entire month of october (i honestly had so many cool blog post ideas for halloween and i get so sad that i dind’t put them up), but it was the mental exhaustion of being so mentally sick that physically blocked my creativity to do so. Actually, it wasn’t even just my creativity that was blocked, but also my part of the brain that forms strings of coherent phrases together. This started a few weeks ago in early october, at first it was just not being able to say things the way i thought them, so for example i would think “wow i really want a cup of coffee, i’ll ask my sister if she wants to get starbucks” and then what would come out of my mouth is a stringle of mumbles and then “starbucks” and i could literally feel my mouth not moving the way it should to speak, but not even in a stroke way, it felt more as if my brain forgot what i thought about, so it forgot what i wanted to say and so i had to create an entirely new senetence in the middle of the one i started. I know i’ve mentioned this before, in that “social suicide” post i wrote on my old blog, so this isn’t necssarily a new thing for me, but that weird brain-block now happens while writing and it’s probably the most frustrating thing ever when you know what you want to write but you can’t think of a way to get out of your head?!?! UGH I get so annoyed just thinking about it right now. luckily, right now i’m on a roll of word vomit, does it make sense? who knows, i’m just going to post and then go to sleep.
WHICH, brings me to my other point, well, my initial point. I avoided blogging because I wanted this blog to be something of substance, I wanted to move away from the cry baby because I thought I was over that, I thought I had a grasp of reality, not that being mentally ill is a phaze or you can’t be “living in the real world” when you’re mentally ill, but at some point in the summer I did believe that. Which I will get to in a bit, I just want to conclude this point before I delve into that. So, as I was saying, I wanted this blog to be “professional”, I wanted it to be something that I could have on my actual facebook and have my “real life” friends/family find and not be embarassed of how much of an interal mess I am, I wanted it to be something future employers could find and think I run a cool, professional (yes, “edgy”) but “legit” blog. So, i avoided writing about how shit I was feeling because I already had one of those posts and I feared that another one would just throw what I literally paid for (this url) down the drain.
Stupid, I know, but I’m human and I get self-conscious about being an actual mess. Not an aesthetic mess who cries cutely and then posts lana del rey lyrics to be #emo, but someone who will literally step-by-step plot their suicide, for 48 hours straight, in bed, not stopping or getting out of bed unless it’s to pee.
However, it dawned on me (once again because I kind of had this epiphany last year), that mental illness doesn’t go away. You can tame it, you can learn to work with it, you can even forget about it for days, weeks, months if you’re lucky, but it will come back and you can either be ready to grab it by its neck and put it in its place again or you let it consume your soul. Sadly, these past several weeks I let it consume me, I had it under my wing for nearly a year but it came back more vengeful than ever and I just lost my shit, simple as that. So, friends and family get ready to learn the part of me that I hide on my public social media because I was trained to believe that mental illness is for some reason something i need to be apologetic about, and something I need to hide. For so long, I genuinely believed that I can’t be a “normally function adult” while also dealing with severe depression/bpd and anxiety. I forced myself to suffer in silence because I thought that the “public” could only see the “full-time student while working in a law firm” me, in order to be respected and taken seriously as an adult. But why? How is it my fault that there are times when my brain coerces me into thinking that I would be better off dead, or that I am at fault fo the times when I am so foggy headed and disorientated by the over-stimulation that I forget how to speak/function, why does the societal pressure to be normal make me feel guilty of things I am not in control of?
Well, I am here to unapologetically say that I am not embarrassed, and to those who are reading this and are also struggling, you shouldn’t be either. (it took me 15 minutes to write that word because i am forgetting how to word again)
things are going to get rough from here because I am literally having such a bad mental fart, but I want to get my thoughts out and just post it since I truly feel that it is important important to get it out there. so please just ignore how uneloqeunt it may sound because I am hella struggling to string together words lmao
Last Tuesday (halloween), was my birthday, I turned 22 years old, which makes it 11 years I have been struggling with severe mental illnesses. 11 years of 4015 consecutive days of waking up and battling with my own brain, do you know how exhausting that is? some of you may understand, some of you don’t. some of you may have just started that battle ( and i hope you keep it going, never stop fighting) and some of you may know a loved one that is struggling. Whatever that situation may be, I can only speak for myself, and believe me when I say that it is a constant and daily battle, and I am not exaggerating in the slightest bit. Even the moments that feel like “good days”, it is still there looming. It was on my birthday, this year, that I became really overwhelmed with the fact that I need to fucking accept that it will never go away, my brain won’t decide to function “normally” (I am honestly using that term so loosely at this point, please know that lmao) and I will be able to do every day trivial tasks without having an internal fit. That’s not plausible, I had to stop thinking that or else the rest of my life will be a constant disappointment. This thought has been simmering in the back of my mind for a while now, but it wasn’t until my birthday and the fact that I turned 22 (so far from teenagehood and only straying further each year) that I really swallowed the medicine. It fucking sucked and it made me nauseous to know that I will never truly get rid of my mental illnesses, or change the functioning of my brain (if we want to get literal). I can’t hide who I am, I can’t pretend to people that I am naturally over-stimulated so when something minorly inconvenient happens or something minorly stressful is on my list of things to do that day, I will have a full blown attack, I can’t hide that it when it happens, so why do I try so hard to conceal it when I meet new people or have family on social media? and even though it was a rhetorical question for the longest time, I have come up with an answer.
By being more publicly vocal about my struggles, I am also legitimizing the extent of my illness to myself. Yes, I may have heard a doctor diagnosis things or have papers formally given to me with the side effects and what may arise within the spectrum of the disorders, but for some reason, it’s a whole different situation when friends/family know the details. Why? probably because of my upbringing, mental illness is not a topic you head in middle eastern households. It could also be because of the career path I am on, no one gives a shit if you’re having a mental breakdown in the legal field, there is honestly an abundance of things that I could point fingers at, but at the end of the day it was and is all up to me. Which is why I am now being more honest with myself and with my audience and with my friends and blah blah blah — cue the hoorays.
So, to conclude I am going to make two lists (that I have already shared on tumblr heh). One is a list of accomplishments that I have made with my mental illnesses and the second is the list of things that I still am really struggling with. It is also important to add that this list only represents this week and it may change drastically next week, and if a weekly list is something you’d be interested in please feel free to message me! oh, wait, before we get to the list, well the list will already be there so feel free to scroll down if you want to ignore this, but it really means a lot to me when you private message me to say that my dumb-rambly posts have helped you. That is 90% of the reason why I choose to be so vocal and I choose to over-share such personal things, because yeah it may seem like “whoa dude TMI”, I know that at least one person will read it and be like “I’m not the only one?” and it could prevent someone from feeling self depricative and less alone!!!
ok anyways, here’s the list
things i’ve been working on (somewhat successfully)
- not turning to drugs or alcohol, staying sober and fully-consciously aware of what’s happening in my life, even when things get uncomfortable/stressful.
- GETTING A JOB AT A LAW FIRM!!! I HAVE A JOB DOWNTOWN, IN A LAW FIRM, WHERE I ACTUALLY WORK AND GET PAID AND WORK WITH SCARY LAWYERS!!!
- pushing myself to get out of bed every day for school & work when all i want to do is burrito in bed and cry
- being more confrontational – an example that happened today: the barista got my drink completely wrong and i almost left starbucks without saying anything because it was crowded and i don’t like drawing attention to myself, but i walked back to the bar and let her know that it was the wrong drink and alas, i got my right drink and left without having a mental breakdown!
- Pushing my anxieties limits: on the second day of my new job i ran back and forth from court to my office all by myself, i went in the court all by myself, i asked the clerk stuff all by myself!! I DID THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO!
stuff that i still need to work on;
- i still think about everything i eat and keep hourly counts of the carbs i ate, and focus my meal plan for the day around keeping it low
- i need to push myself to use the bathroom at work and let myself drink water without worrying about having to get up from my desk when everyone is in the office (i usually just wait until lunch to go at starbucks, and then i won’t go util i’m home D:)
- stop being so self-depreciative: aka thinking i’m stupid because my brain has been functioning slowly lately, it could be stress or something else that i will ask my doctor about, i’m not stupid because i’m struggling to process things… it’s probably just stress
and here we are at the end, this was a mess, this probably didn’t make much sense, but fuck it man. I needed to get this off my chest and out of my mind so I can sleep peacefully.
Lots of Love,
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